It’s 8am. Your phone is making that awful “wake up” wail and the folks in the flat above you are hosting what sounds to be an orgy with a tap-shoes-and-Timberlands-only dress code. Needless to say: you need a coffee.
Whether you’re the sort of person who takes pride in the slow, soothing process of their ceramic V60 dripper or you’re more in line with bunging a load of instant coffee granules in your mouth hoping for the best, your morning coffee routine is like the beverage version of the Myers–Briggs personality test. It says a lot about what kind of person you are. Choosing how to get those magical coffee beans from a bag into your body is the first decision that many of us make in our day, and it’s one that can tell you a lot about how the rest of it might go.
Here’s what your morning coffee routine says about you as a person:
1. You Mix Two Spoons Of Instant Coffee With Boiling Water
Th instant coffee lovers are the pragmatists of the world. They're busy and coffee is fuel.
You’re a pragmatist. You don’t consider coffee as a luxury to be enjoyed but rather as a practical stimulant designed to get you through the working day. Then again, you’ve probably also been tempted at least once or twice to replace all your meals with Huel. Which is absolutely not on.
2. You Make Yourself An AeroPress
Christ, you don’t fuck about, do you? You know what you want, you know when you want it, and you know that you want it to be of the highest possible quality. The AeroPress is a super-efficient way of caffeinating yourself while also bringing out the best of the beans you’ve preferably ground fresh that morning. Nevertheless, what the AeroPress also says about you is that you’re painfully single.
3. You Make A Cafetiere Full Of Coffee
You're the thoughtful one. You're the one who'll deliver a hot coffee to your mate while they're working.
Like Curtis from Love Island, you want to be the person that gets up and makes everyone a coffee so that everyone’s ready for the morning. This means you’re probably a good person. Unless, of course, that whole cafetiere is just for you, in which case you might just have a caffeine addiction.
4. You Buy A Coffee From A High-Street Chain
Not only do you like spending lots and lots of your money but you also seem to like spending it unwisely. Now, there’s nothing objectively wrong with buying a coffee from a high-street chain every morning but there are both more affordable ways of fooling your adenosine receptors and a load of independent coffee shops out there that are far more deserving of your money. You need to get your priorities straight.
5. You Buy Your Coffee From An Independent Coffee Shop
You’re a good egg. Sure, you’ve got a hell of a lot of disposable income to be dropping £3.50 on a single origin brew every day of your life – but at least you can be smug that you’re using that money to support people who consider coffee a craft that’s worthy of being both pored and poured over.
6. You Brew Your Coffee In A Percolator
I honestly don’t know what to make of you. Like, why do you do this to yourself? Yes, I guess the percolator looks kind of cool. It’s a pleasing object to put on your stove and look at every morning. But it’s a bloody faff to put together and the coffee it makes is rarely the best expression of the beans you’re using. Just get a grip, man.
7. You Turn On Your Coffee Machine
You’re either a grade-A caffeine fiend or you’re one of the protagonists in an American rom-com. There is no middle ground.
8. You Make Yourself A V60 Drip
Which coffee personality are you?
Ah, well, you’re a true connoisseur. You like to take your time over things and know that investing time and effort into a task is often the optimum way of achieving results. You’re also probably the kind of person that makes an itinerary for every second of every day you’re on holiday and gets a bit pissy if things don’t go exactly according to plan. Like the AeroPress user, you might also be painfully single, but at least you’ll always have a great cup of coffee to keep you company in the morning.
